Before continuing I would like to ask you to realize that every situation is different. I write this blog out of my own Experience. My intentions are to help women who experienced a miscarriage to deal with their emotions.
A miscarriage in the first trimester might not seem as serious for the outside as losing a full-grown baby but it is serious. It’s a huge loss. Love that can not be given anymore. Loss of visions for the future. The intense connection you feel with your body and baby from day one doesn’t exist anymore. It can really be a roller coaster of emotions.
Getting pregnant is one of the most amazing things in life. It makes you feel alive, life is growing inside of you. It is a biological process that is running, you don’t have control. During the period towards giving birth, your body changes, you change and you visualize the future. You expect certain things to happen, until it all falls apart.
I am a mom of two healthy boys, but was pregnant 4 times. Both my miscarriages happened in the first semester. Looking back on my experiences while having a miscarriage and the process after, I would like to share this with you. To help moms who lost their baby before being able to meet them psychically.
The physical loss
If you have a natural miscarriage, your body exactly knows what to do. It goes into labour state and it will feel like a delivery, although it will be shorter it will be intense. It will hurt. You can choose to take something for pain relief. I wanted the whole experience so I choose not to take pain relief. But if you don’t want to deal with the physical pain, you can discuss pain relief with your midwife.
Depending on the length of the pregnancy you will lose a fetus. You can lose the amniotic sac in complete state at once. Decide if want to see it and what you want to do with it. There are several options, burring it at a special place, maybe you want to plant something on the grave.
It can be a relieving step in the grieving process of the physical loss. Light a candle, burn some incense, share your thoughts and gratefulness for the time you did spend together.
Know it’s not your fault.
You might wonder why this happened to you, maybe you didn’t take care of your body enough? Maybe you weren’t positive enough? This has all nothing to do with the reason of your miscarriage. Everyday babies are born from addicts to heroine or depressed moms who are born totally healthy. Getting and being pregnant is a natural process. Your body acts on its own and knows what to do when something in the process didn’t go like in a healthy pregnancy. It’s like the blood flowing through your body, somethings we just can’t control.
Allow yourself to feel
It is okay to feel sad. For many women, this can be a life changing experience, give yourself time to heal. Your body changed to pregnancy state including your hormones. It takes time to get them in balance again. You may grieve. Grief is really just love. All the love you wanted to give but cannot. If you don’t allow yourself to go through the grief, it will collect in your body and come out when you expect it the least. Rather deal with it now.
Talk about it
Talk about your loss. It will free up your mind. You may even find this happened to many more people then you know and you won’t feel that alone anymore. Talking about your experience and your feelings is an outlet so the emotional bomb won’t be stuck in your body. Besides of that, by talking about what happened people might understand your mood swings better and can help you get through it.
Tell your partner how you feel
Basically a man just cannot understand what happened to you, although he might feel the same in a different way. The connection a woman has with the baby in her body is unique. The feelings that come with the loss of it cannot be explained in words. But you must try. Men don’t understand that you can be triggered into your grief again by the (for him) most normal or not even noticed things. Which can result in misunderstanding and frustration. Ask him what he feels and try to understand each other. Make sure you don’t let a distance grow in-between you.
Be nice for yourself
You may grief but you may smile too. Although in the beginning it might feel it will never get any better, it will. Take your time to grief but know your life continues. This doesn’t mean you may never be sad about it anymore, it just means that there can still be happiness. Try to keep it in balance. Do stuff that makes you laugh, something that makes you happy. Eat chocolate, go on a walk, smell flowers, watch a comedy, whatever makes you happy.